Have you ever bent over backwards for a customer, friend, family member or someone you respect only to be walked all over? I have heard others talk about bringing value, about loving your haters and I have even seen some go so far as to be kind enough to help your haters after you succeed, that want your help.
But I have a different point of view when it comes to haters or those that just flat out don’t meet your standards. It is not because I am unkind, that I don’t care but I have realized over the years that loyalty has an expiration date. There are people that will come into your life for various reasons and seasons. But the trouble is that many of those who I know that are “kindhearted” see being kind as keeping people in your life when their expiration date has expired.
I used to try to do this myself, you know, “trying to be a good person” and love people by keeping them around or be convenient for them to “show love” regardless of how they treated me. But what I realized over time was that sometimes love is tough and to show true love is sometimes to cut people out of your life if they don’t meet your standards. Love is not compromising your own standard just so others will like you, you may see this as selfish but I see it as respecting yourself and loving yourself. Sometimes it’s people that are only there because they think they can get something from you and they really don’t care about you, sometimes they just are mean people, others are just there to try and take you out, and still others are taking themselves out and plan on taking you with.
There is this one “life coach” I met this past year trying to find peers I could grow with. He actually used to be a minister and is now doing life coaching. I thought he would be a good person to connect with since I was in some ways doing the same. But instead what he did was realize I had more knowledge then him, asked me to write a list of everything I knew and email him (saying this could be what I offer and it was to help me brainstorm and he was helping me be accountable) only to see him the next day using my list as a list of what he offered. To this day he is still out there using everyone else’s ideas because he can’t come up with his own and sadly enough I have seen him on a few TV programs with my ideas. Definitely someone that I chose to remove from my life.
This is true in business as well. You get to choose your customers not just hope you get customers. I had one woman recently ask me to meet her somewhere because she wanted to buy one of my products. I agreed since I was on the road anyway. But then she no showed. When I sent her a text asking where she was she said, “Oh sorry I’m grocery shopping instead, maybe I can meet you another time.” I replied letting her know that I have a full schedule and that I was unable to meet her again. I didn’t want a customer that was unreliable and a flake.
And it is the same in “friendships”. I remember one woman I knew that just hated me for some reason. She did some horrible things behind my back. Your typical hater and very jealous. But she always wanted to “stay connected” to me because she knew I was going to be successful and she wanted to be part of those rewards and benefits. But how many know I removed her from my life because she wasn’t fit for my journey!
Not everyone should go with you, no matter how unselfish you think it is to be a martyr for others the fact is I believe rolling over and giving up your value for others is much like setting yourself on fire just to draw a crowd.
I think this need to “love others” can sometimes turn into a horrible pattern of trying to be liked by everyone. The reality is that not everyone is supposed to like us or agree with us. I heard it said once in fact that if we all agreed, then there wouldn’t be the need for all of us.
We should remember to forgive people, but forgiving someone doesn’t mean you allow them to be in your life and that they don’t have to respect boundaries you have set. It means you are not holding the past against them. Remember, respect and loyalty are earned while forgiveness not only allows you to move forward and forget the past, you are able to live without walls and not hold everyone else around you responsible for others behavior and become a victim thinking “everyone is like that”.
I know we have all heard “love others how we love ourselves”. But the truth is that you cannot love others unless you love yourself first. Yes, I have heard people teach against loving yourself, but I honestly think that teaching is baloney and it’s the reason so many get abused by leaders, friends, spouses…because they let them walk all over them out of “love”.
If you are someone that is allowing people to walk all over you for the sake of trying to keep the peace, remember that all you are doing is storing up resentment for the future. Watch how people treat you, listen to what they say and don’t allow them in your life unless they show you that they live at the level that you choose to live and they treat you the way you expect to be treated.
Don’t be that person that wants to be liked so much that you will just make yourself so convenient that you no longer have any self-respect. (In fact posted a quote for single women related to this…never try to be convenient for a man because you cannot be special and convenient at the same time)
I remember so many times in my life when I was “trying to be a good person” all the while others behavior was ticking me off inside. I would keep quiet and either just remove them and never speak up or resent them. This isn’t productive either, because sometimes you need to set expectations so people know how to treat you. So the next time someone does something communicate your standards in a respectful way, if they don’t respect your standards remove them from your life. Others only have power over us that we give to them.